爱华网真爱的含义
杰拉德。科里 玛丽安。施耐德。科里
1．以上我们主要讨论了我们认为与爱背道而驰的那些事情。现在我们想一起谈谈爱对我们的一些积极意义。
2．爱意味着我了解我所爱的人。我了解那个人的许多方面——不仅仅美的方面，还有其局限性，言行不一及缺陷。我了解那个人的感情和思想，我体验那个人身上某种素质的东西。我能透过对方社交场合的表现和在社会上所担当的角色，看到他更内在的东西。
3．爱意味着我关心我所爱的人的幸福。只要我的关心是真诚的，我的关心对我所爱的人就不会是一种压制，也不会是一种占有性的依附。相反，我的关心解放了我们。如果我关心你，我关注你的成长，我希望你成为你能成为的人。因此，对你为完善自己人格所做的一切，我决不设置障碍，即使你做的事情有时会让我不舒服。
4．爱意味着尊重我所爱的人的人格。如果我爱你，我会把你看成是一个独立的人，有你自己的价值观，有你自己的思相和咸情，我不要你放弃你的个性，并为我而把自己塑造成我期望你成为的那种人。我能够允许并鼓励你独立自主，保持你的特性，这样我就不会把你当作一件东西来对待，不会让你主要来满足我自己的需要。
5．爱意味着对我所爱的人有责任感。如果我爱你，我就会对你作为人的大多数的主要需求有反应。这个责任并不是我需要替你做你自己能够做的事情，也不意味着我管理你的生活。但是它确实意味着承认我的为人和我的所作所为对你有影响，因此我直接与你的幸福和痛苦有牵连。一个爱别人的人的确会伤害或忽视其所爱之人，从这个意义上说，爱包含着我要对我的生活方式对你所产生的影响承担一定的责任。
6．爱意味着我本人以及我所爱的人的共同发展。如果我爱你，我也会因为爱你而发展，你激励我成为更加充实的人，我对你的爱也会提高你的素质。我们俩都因此相爱而成长，我们这种关系使双方都感到充实，又丝毫不削弱我们自己的特性。
7．爱意味着对我所爱的人做出一个承诺。这种承诺并不需要我们放弃自身的特性，也不表示我们的这种关系一定是永久的关系。这种承诺既包含愿意在痛苦时刻，在犹豫时刻，在斗争时刻和绝望时刻的相互支持，也包含共享平静和欢乐的时刻。
8．爱意味着信任我所爱的人。如果我爱你，我相信你会接受我对你的关心，对你的爱，你不会故意伤害我。我相信你会发现我可爱而不会抛弃我；我相信我们的爱是相互的，如果我们互相信任，我们就愿意互相敞开心扉，我们就能够去掉假面具，去掉伪装，显示我们的真面貌。
9．爱能容忍不完美。在爱的关系中，必然有厌烦的时侯，有我想放弃的时侯，有十分紧张的时候，有我感到没有出路的时侯。真爱并不意味着永久的幸福。我可以和你共度困难时期，那是因为我记得我们过去共同拥有的时光，是因为我能想象，如果我们对问题予以足够的重视，因而能够面对问题并度过这个时期，我们将来在一起的日子会是什么样子。梅尔教士在其著作中说爱是一种改变生活的精神力量，我们同意他的观点。爱是一种生活方式，它具有创造力而且能够转变。但是梅尔并不把爱看成是完美社会的专利。“爱是专门赐与我们这个有问题，不完善的世界的。爱注定就是在痛苦的环境下发挥精神威力的。爱就是要使看起来无意义的生活变得有意义。”换句话说，爱来到这个不完美的世界，使它可以适合人们居住。
10．爱是自由的行为，爱是自愿地付出，而不是在要求之下的施舍。同时，我对于你的爱不取决于你是否满足我对你的期望。真爱不是什么“当你成为一个完美的人，或是你成为我期望你成为的那种人时，我才爱你。”真爱的付出是不附加条件的，爱的特性之一就是无条件。
11．爱是广阔的。如果我爱你，我就鼓励你向外发展，建立其他的人际关系。尽管我们之间的爱以及我们相互之间承担责任不允许我们做某些事情，但我们并不是完全彻底地拴在一起。把一个人和另一个人捆绑在一起，而不给他发展空间，这是一种虚假的爱。凯斯和温斯伯格把这个概念讲得很好。
12．我们相互承诺要鼓励对方充分的发展，这就真实证明了我们之间的爱。我们是相互依存的，为了完成自己的使命，需要对方的存在。但我们又是不同的个体，我们必须各自面对自己的奋斗。
13．爱意味着我需要我所爱的人，但不是缺了他就不行。如果没有你我就不能生存，那我就不能无拘束地爱你。我爱你，你离开了，我有失落感，我难过，我孤独，但我能生存下去。如果我的价值和我的生存过于依赖于你，那我就没有与你当面争辩的自由。由于我怕失去你，我就只好降低要求，而这种委曲求全肯定会引起我的不满情绪。
14．爱意味着能够理解自己所爱的人。如果我爱你，我就能与你有同样的情感，我就能通过你的眼睛去看世界。我能够理解你是因为我在你身上看到了我自己，在我身上也看到了你。这种亲密关系并不是说要常相“厮守”，因为距离和分别对于相爱来说有时是必要的，距离可以增强爱的联系，还有助于重新发现自己，这样我们就能够以新的方式面对对方。
15．爱中充满了自我。只有我能真正地爱自己，珍视自己，欣赏自己，尊重自己，我才能爱你，如果我是轻浮无知的，那么我所能给你的只是我的空虚而已。如果我感到我自己是完整的，有价值的人，那么我就能让你分享我的充实。给予你我的爱的最好一个方式就是我你一起充分享受我的一切。
16．爱还包含能够看到我所爱的人的潜力。我爱那个人，我一方面承认他的现状，另一方面我现在就视他为将来他能够成为的那种人。歌德有一句与此有关的评论：我们如果按照人们的现状来对待他们，我们只能使他们越来越差，要是按照他们应该达到的目标来对待和要求他们，我们就会促使他们变得更好。
17．我们把弗罗姆在《爱的艺术》（1956）里阐述的一个观点介绍给大家，以此来结束我们对真爱含义的论述。他对成熟之爱的归纳极好地总结了真爱的基本特征。
18．成熟之爱是两人的结合，但又不失各自的完整和特性。爱中有这个矛盾现象：合而为一，却又一分为二。
几点补充：
关于作者：杰拉尔德。科里，美国加州州立大学富勒顿分校民政服务与咨询教授，注册心理学家；他的妻子玛丽安娜。施奈德。科里是一位婚姻与家庭问题专家。夫妇二人的主要著作有《集体咨询：过程与实践》（Groups:Process and Practice, 1992年第４版），《集体咨询的技巧》（Group Technique,1992年第２版），《当一名助人者》（Becoming a Helper,1993年第２版）和《助人职业的问题与道德规范》（Issues and Ethics in the HelpingProfessions, 1993年第４版）。他们的著作被不少大学有关专业用作教科书。此外杰拉尔德还和他们的两个女儿合作写了一本指导大学新生生活与学习的书《生活着，学习着》（Livingand Learning）。
关于本文：选自科里夫妇所著《我从不知道我还有选择的余地》（I neverknew I had a Choice）里标题为“爱”的第７章，有删节。
关于弗罗姆和《爱的艺术》：弗罗姆（Ｅrich)Fromm:（1900-1980)出生于德国的美国著名心理学家，他于1956年出版的一本小册子《爱的艺术》TheArt of Loving(1956)与美国的《独立宣言》一样成为中学生的必读书目（也很值得成年人看！）。该书在我国有好几种版本。
SomeMeanings of Authentic Love
Gerald Correy & MarianneSchneider Correy
1.So far, we’ve discussed mostly what we think love is not. Now we’dlike to share some of the positive meanings love has for us.
2.Love means that I know the person I love. I’m aware of themany sides of the other person – not just the beautiful side butalso the limitation, inconsistencies and flaws. I have an awarenessof the other’s feelings and thouthts, and I experience something ofthe core of that person. I can penetrate social masks and roles andsee the other person on a deeper level.
3.Love means that I care about the welfare of the person Ilove. To the extent that it is genuine, my caring is not asmothering of the person or a possessive clinging. On the contrary,my caring liberates both of us. If I care about you , I’m concernedabout your growth , and I hope you will become all that you canbecome. Consequently, I don’t put up roadblocks to what you do thatenhances you as a person, even thought it may result in mydiscomfort at times.
4.Love means having respect for the dignity of the person Ilove. If I love you, I can see you as a separate person, with yourown values and thoughts and feelings , and I do not insist that yousurrender ues and thoughts and feelings, and I do not insist thatyou surrender your identity and conform to an image of what Iexpect you to be for me. I can allow and encourage you to standalone and to be who you are, and I avoid treating you as an objector using you primarily to gratify my own needs.
5.Love means having a responsibility toward the person I love.If I love you, I’m responsive to most of your major needs as aperson . This responsibility does not entail mydoing for you what you are capable of doing for yourself; nor doesit mean that I run your life for you. It does imply acknowledgingthat what I am and what I do affects you , so that I am directlyinvolved in your happiness and your misery. A lover does have theca pacity to hurt or neglect the loved one, and in this sense I seethat love entails an acceptance of some responsibility for theimpact my way of being has on you.
6.Love means growth for both myself and the person I love . IfI love you , I am growing as a result of my love. You are astimulant for me to become more fully what I might become, and myloving enhances your being as well . We each grow as a result ofcaring and being cared for; we each share in an enrichingexperience that does not detract from our being.
7.Love means making a commitment to the person I love. Thiscommitment does not entail surrendering our total selves to eachother; nor does it imply that the relationship is necessarilypermanent. It does entail a willingness to stay with each other intimes of pain, uncertainty, struggle, and despair, as well as intimes of calm and enjoyment.
8.Love means trusting the person I love. If I love you, Itrust that you will accept my caring and my love and that you won’tdeliberately hurt me. I trust that you will find me lovable andthat you won’t abandon me ; I trust the reciprocal nature of ourlove . If we trust each other, we are willing to be open to each toeach other and can shed masks and pretenses and reveal our trueselves.
9.Love can tolerate imperfection. In a love relationship thereare times of boredom, times when I may feel like giving up, timesof real strain, and times I experience an impasse. Authentic lovedoes not imply enduring happiness. I can stay during rough times,however, because I can remember what we had together in the past,and I can picture what we will have together in our future if wecare enough to face our problems and work them through. We agreewith Reverend Maier when he writes that love is a spirit thatchanges life. Love is a way of life that is creative and thattransforms. However, Maier does not view love as being reserved fora perfect world. “Love is meant for our imperfect world wherenonsense appears to reign.”In other words, love comes into animperfect world to make it livable.
10. Love is freeing .Love is freely given, not doled out on demand. At the same time, mylove for you is not dependent on wherer you fulfill my expectationsof you. Authentic love does not imply “ I’ll love you when youbecome perfect or when you become what I expect you to become.”Authentic love is not given with strings attached. There is anunconditional quality about love.
11. Love isexpansive. If I love you, I encourage you to reach out anddevelop other relationships. Although our love for each other andour commitment to each other might bar certain actions on ourparts, we are not totally and exclusively wedded to each other. Itis a pseudolove that cements one person to another in such a waythat he or she is not given room to grow. Casey and Vanceburg putthis notion well：
12. The honest evidence ofour love is our commitment to encouraging another’s fulldevelopment. We are interdependent personalities who need oneanother’s presence in order to fulfill our destiny. And yet, we arealso separate individuals. We must come to terms with our strugglesalone.
13. Love means having awant for the person I love without having a need forthat person in order to be complete. If I am nothing without you,then I’m not really free to love you. I love you and you leave,I’ll experience a loss and be sad and lonely, but I’ll still beable to survive. If I am overly dependent on you for my meaning andmy survival , then I am not free to challenge our relationship; noram I free t challenge and confront you. Because of my fear oflosing you, I’ll settle for less than I want, and this setting willsurely lead to feelings of resentment.
14. Love meansidentifying with the person I love. If I love you , I canempathize with you and see the world through your eyes. I canidentify with you because I’m able to see myself in you and you inme.This closeness does not imply a continual “ togetherness,” fordistance and separation are soetimes essential in a lovingrelationship. Distance can intensify a loving bond, and it can helpus rediscover ourselves , so that we are able to meet each other ina new way.
15. Love is selfish.I can only love you if I genuinely love, value, appreciate, andrespect myself. If I am empty, then all I can give you is myemptiness. If I feel that I’m complete and worthwhile in myself,then I’m able to give to you out of my fullness. One of the bestways for me to give you love is by fully enjoying myself withyou.
16. Love involvesseeing the potential within the person we love. In my lovefor another, I view her or him as the person she or he can become,while still accepting who and what the person she or he can become,while still accepting who and what the person is now. Goethe’sobservation is relevant here: by taking people as they are, we makethem worse, but by treating them as if they already were what theyought to be, we help make them better.
17. We conclude thisdiscussion of the meanings that authentic love has for us bysharing a thought from Fromm’s The Art of Loving (1956). Hisdescription of mature love sums up the essential characteristics ofauthentic love quite well:
18. Matrue love is unionunder the condition of preserving one’s integrity, one’sindividuality. In love this paradox occurs that two beings becomeone and yet remain two.
